Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
