No stitches, just platelets and will power
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
