I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
