i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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