I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
