If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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