Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
