thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
