I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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