Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
