The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
