we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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