I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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