There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
