You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
