MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
