You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Everyone says I win the strip club
this is an emotional support booty call
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
