i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
