remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
