I don't usually arrange sex via text message
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize