i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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