please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
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She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
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This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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