Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
