I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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