I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
