So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm passing your future prison.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
