theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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