I got chris browned last night
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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