You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
