are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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