if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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