when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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