Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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