Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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