I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
