Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
