Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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