I faked an abortion last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
