sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize