I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
