Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
