I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Please don't give away my fajitas
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