Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
