1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
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Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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