I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
