five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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