textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
