She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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