so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
