you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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