dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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