my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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