white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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