I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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