I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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