I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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