That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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