1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
