fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
