You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
