when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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