Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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