tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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